Always Bet On Red



So I know some of you menstruaters* out there have SUPER REGULAR periods. By that we mean, like, predictable, timely, orderly and organized.

I am not one of you.

Surprise! My period has always been irregular AF. Sometimes it would come every other week, sometimes not for MONTHS. TRUE STORY: Back over a year ago, when I had that cyst, I was between periods. When getting the ultrasound, the nurse asked me when my last menstrual period was, and I replied vaguely, “Like, 60 days ago?” she looked at my stomach and broke into a knowing smile, “OH!” she said, poised with ultrasound wand hovering above my belly. “HOLD UP, SISTER! This is NOT THAT KIND OF ULTRASOUND!” Adding insult to injury (cyst). Man.

Luckily, in the past year or so, things have gotten much more regular. Like, you can bet on it. Well you can bet on my menstrual being either 34 days, 38 days, or 44 days long. YES! It’s true! Since I’ve been tracking my period on Clue, all of my menstrual cycles have been either 34, 38, or 44 days long. I joked that my uterus is like a roulette wheel. Always bet on 34, 38, or 44.


This cycle was 32 days long. BuT GUeSS What. That’s still an even number.

It was looking iffy— I thought it was going to happen yesterday, which would break the even number streak! So today, while abnormal, is still an EVEN NUMBER.

Adding to my list of period symptoms that nobody else seems to have:

  • terrible nightmares
  • sex dreamsLike when two days ago, this happened?


  • writer’s block. Which is particularly annoying when you have deadlines, but can’t even craft an email. Maybe Trump was PMSing during the debate, and that’s why he couldn’t string a coherent sentence together. GUYS. *women aren’t the only ones who menstruate! Menstruate, don’t Discriminate!
  • Complete, and utter, soul-crushing depression. Coupled with:
  • Crying at everything remotely moving. I watched the first season of The Great British Bake-Off and finished it on the last day of my menstrual cycle, and I was crying for the entire finale. “Those British people just bake with their whole hearts! I wish they could ALL win!”

    So I’m listening to Christmas music, trying to finish writing deadlines now that my command of the English language has returned to me, preparing to go into therapy in Manhattan and afterwards, buy one of those giant chocolate bars that Trader Joe’s sells for BAKING *wink wink* when we all know that they’re really for the first two days of your period when you just want a literal skyscraper of chocolate and don’t really care if people judge you. Hope the odds are in your favor this cycle.


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