Last Friday was National Donut Day. Aren’t there like, five of those every year? Nation, what the fuck are you doing? As a New Yorker, I feel less and less in touch with the rest of “the nation.” I mean, y’all made Trump a thing. Thanks, Nation! I think it’s time for New York to celebrate our own Unique New Yorkness.
STATISTIC: there are over 8 million practicing New Yorkers, and many more who would identify as “cultural” New Yorkers. Isn’t it really about time we instituted city-wide holidays? I took it upon myself (you’re welcome) to populate your calendar with these days you can observe, whether you’re a dyed-in-the-wool New Yorker, an aspiring Manhattanite, or even a New Jersey-dwelling NY expat:
January 13th: Sadie Hawkins Catcall Day
This is the day when the script is flipped. For one day of the year, women feel what it’s like to stroll down the street, shouting your feelings at every man who passes by. “Smile! Where you going? Damn, gorgeous! Answer me! Come back here!” What does it taste like when the tables are turned? Sweet, sweet justice.
March 14th: Train Dispatcher Day
We don’t always understand you, but when you tell us to stand clear of the closing doors (please! So politely!) we know it’s because you have our best interests at heart. You tell us when there’s a route change, where to transfer, and without you we might sometimes be literally LOST. We love you. Now hold us – momentarily.
April 6th: Headphone Wearers’ Day of Silence
No, we DON’T want to talk. That’s why we’re wearing the headphones! I would have thought that would be obvious after the THIRD time I had to remove them with exaggerated flourish to ask, “whaaaaaaaaat?” So for one day, just, sssssh. Silence. Stop talking.
Summer Weekends: L-ent
L-ent is a floating holiday of abstention – like Passover or lent or Ramadan – which occurs whenever the L train stops running. It usually begins on a Friday night at 10pm (“hipster sundown”) and lasts until 5am Monday (Gay sundown). This holiday repeats many times throughout the year, and is a time to stay in, rest, and reflect while you abstain from taking the L into Manhattan. Leaves you with more appreciation for the one who controls your fate in life: the L train.
August 30th: Lobby Air Conditioning Day
Whether it’s a hotel, a classy apartment lobby, or your everyday run-of-the-mill Duane Reade, on this day, we appreciate that rush of cool, stale air that hits the hot, muggy sidewalk when the doors open on a hot day. Thank you, wealthy New Yorkers, for paying the obscene energy bills that enable us to enjoy your sub-frigid air conditioning as we walk past. You are the real heroes.
September 24th: Run Into Your Ex On The Train Platform Day
You know those times you leave the house looking primped and polished and stylish? This is not that time. In a city of eight million, what are the odds of running into the one person you never hoped to see again in your natural life? Shockingly high, especially on the day you decided to say “fuck it” and wear the grubby sweatpants you live in on the weekends to run a few quick errands. This one chance encounter will supply weeks’ worth of discussions for your therapist. Seeing an ex can be traumatic. We all understand. We’ve all been there.
November 18th: Graffiti Artist Recognition Day
On this day in 2013, our city lost a true landmark. Long Island City residents went to sleep the night before and woke up the following morning horrified to discover that some vandal had, under cover of night, whitewashed over 5Pointz. Let it never happen again! On this day, we recognize the artists who bring their talent where it belongs: to the streets! No matter your skill level, we salute you. We salute you for the teeth you black out, the vulgarities you scrawl, and especially the dicks you populate advertisements with. Please, keep fighting the power.
December 20th: Stomp A Tourist Accidentally On Purpose Day
It’s the holiday season all over the world, but this one is just for us! Look, tourists, it’s bad enough we have to go to Times Square to get the “I [heart] NY” shirts for everybody, but do you have to spread those “New Yorkers Are Rude” rumors? We’re rude because you’re treating our town like Main Street Disneyland USA, taking pictures and lollygagging on the sidewalk. YOU are the worst thing about New York. Sorry/not sorry I stepped on your foot. NOT SORRY.