The Twelve Freakouts of Christmas, pt. 1

For the First Christmas Freakout My True Love Gave to Me:  The Window Displays Freakout

“I’m still hung over from Halloween!  I’m not ready to deal with this shit!  I don’t have plans for Thanksgiving yet, and I haven’t even accomplished one of my New Year’s Resolutions!  I rebuke thee, Santa!”

For the 2nd Christmas Freakout My True Love Gave to Me:  The This Is My Jingle Bell Jam! Freakout

“Mariah Carey is A GENIUS.  This is song is literally about me!  I’m feeling so many feelings right now, I just wish it could be Christmas ALL the time!  Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell FUCK YEAH!”

For the 3rd Christmas Freakout My True Love Gave to Me:  The Too-Many Thanksgiving Dinner Invitations Freakout

“My dad’s invited me up, my brother is hosting upstate, my aunt wants to know my plans, and I don’t even know what your family has in mind!  Forget it!  I’m staying home with the parade and making a Marie Calendar’s frozen dinner for myself.  I just can’t be in that many places at once!”

For the 4th Christmas Freakout My True Love Gave to Me:  The Holiday Food Issues Freakout (Thanksgiving Day)

“Yeah, so I’ve been a vegan for 17 years, but I guess I’ll have some turkey!  I don’t want to insult the chef, haha!  Oh my gluten allergy!  Yeah, it’s not so serious, I just throw up like Linda Blair from the exorcist if a single speck of flour lands in my food but what the hell!  It’s the holidays, right?  They have bathrooms on MetroNorth trains, don’t they?!  Actually, you know what I can eat?  WINE!  I’ll take seconds!  Haha!  Happy Thanksgiving!  Pass the Epi-Pen!”

For the 5th Christmas Freakout My True Love Gave to Me:  The Black Friday Freakout

“I said I wasn’t going to do this again this year!  How could I let you talk me in to going to the mall on Black Friday?  You’re not getting anything for Christmas this year, you realize that?  This?  Right here?  Me?  In a Wal-Mart at 5am?  This is your present.  Take a picture of this bruise I got from the lady who rammed me with her cart to get the last Elmo doll in the county.  This is all you’re getting.  Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.”

For the 6th Christmas Freakout My True Love Gave to Me:  The My-Way-Or-The-Highway Freakout

“The John Lewis ad wasn’t sad enough!  The Starbucks Christmas cups aren’t merry enough!  The Mall Santa isn’t jolly enough!  This isn’t what I wanted!  Why didn’t anyone consult me about this?!?”

…to be continued!!!