FEELING: Free! I cannot emphasize that enough, so let me try again: FREE!!! The final weeks of school were a mess and completely destroyed me. Any shred I was clinging to was completely gone. I have burned that to the ground and it is done. I know there’s a new adventure for me out there, but right now, I feel like this ex-teacher has earned a little summer vacation to enjoy…
I’ve been coming home exhausted with no other energy but to eat chips, drink cider and watch Say Yes to the Dress. After a day of getting screamed at like something less than a person, it’s comforting to see people just flouting “It’s my day!” and having no worries about joblessness or being a failure as a human being who will always disappoint the ones she loves, but merely worrying whether or not the dress has “enough, or not enough bling.” Escapism, people!
LISTENING TO: I’ve been on a Talking Heads kick ever since my boyfriend showed me Stop Making Sense! That was almost a month ago, but I love the awkward sweetness and oddball sentimentality expressed in “This Must Be The Place” and I could listen to it over and over!
READING: I’m re-reading Stranger in a Strange Land – Heinlein forever! Though he’s really going at the jugular in this one, I admire the brashness and giggle inwardly at how it must have been received when it was first written.
WORKING ON: Figuring out what I want to do with my life. Getting back on the horse is really hard. I feel, as I already stated, like a massive failure. I feel downtrodden and worthless and trying to put on a brave face and go back out there like it just won’t happen again is more than I can even wrap my head around at this point.
THINKING ABOUT: How not to take it out on those around me. I have a lot of anger and resentment that I’m trying to let go of and keep from bringing it home. Some days, I was able to do that. Others, I feel like I just turned around and dumped it on my poor sweetie. I feel awful about that.
Healthy food some of the time, and really awful junk the rest! I guess it would all depend on the type of day I had. If it was relatively harmless, I would come home and fix a salad with a home-made dressing of oil, balsamic, yuzu and mustard. If the day was terrible, I’d stomp up to the grocery store with a cloud of buzzing anger around my head, grab a beverage (or two!), a bag of chips and a carton of ice cream and pass out on the couch in front of Say Yes to the Dress. Clearly, I’m in a healthy headspace!
LOOKING FORWARD TO: Taking a step back, taking a breath, and being done. Filing away all the negativity and finding out who I am at the end of it. Getting my energy back, making a living wage (I hope!), being successful, having time, not being in a rush, not getting screamed at like an animal every day, and being able to pee whenever I want.
MAKING ME HAPPY: Marriage is now a national right! Can we pause for a minute to grok that? How far we have come! And I look around at my house and my home and I actually do think, “How did I get here?” The last nine months I had little time to think about anything besides “Don’t cry, don’t scream, don’t pee, take a deep breath, into the fray.” So much has changed around me that I’ve hardly had the chance to stop, notice, appreciate, praise, smile, thank. Now there’s time. I’m so grateful for all the support of my friends and the understanding from my family and my boyfriend has been unceasingly caring and understanding. I’ve been incredibly lucky, and too busy to even notice. Now I can say thank you.