A lot of people my age (and even younger) have been having a lot of babies lately. Litters of them, if Facebook is any indication! Which is completely befuddling to me because I can’t even imagine being adult enough to care for a human being, much less a human being at its most needy, vulnerable and smelly. Further self-reflection has revealed that this is because I, myself, am a baby.
EVIDENCE: I cannot walk very well. Sometimes when I’m walking I get too excited and I make myself fall down
EVIDENCE: I am really bad at feeding myself and usually end up wearing my food on my face, shirt front, and lap
EVIDENCE: I hoard blankets and soft toys
EVIDENCE: I usually fall asleep on the subway and in movies, but when I don’t, I make a lot of noise and am generally an unwanted presence
EVIDENCE: I have a predilection for throwing fits when I am unable to articulate my needs
EVIDENCE: I can’t go anywhere fun without complaining every five minutes that I have to go potty
No offense, dude.