Here’s a big surprise: I’m a massive hypochondriac. Surprise! I’m constantly running up imaginary fevers, contracting unexplainable bruises, and dying of a myriad of cancers. It’s mostly all in your head, isn’t it? Insert some witty observation about our own perception being the only possible filter so we lack objectivity when it comes to our own health. That’s why I’m always pestering Eels to feel my forehead and why I just downloaded the WebMD app to my iPhone.
But just as I have invented millions of illnesses for myself, I am constantly discovering new treatments for my imaginary illnesses! Aren’t placebos effective? They sure are – when you’re not even really suffering from Imaginary Imminent Death Syndrome!
First of all, the only thing you sure ever eat while sick is soup. Soup, and maybe bread with butter on it. You’ll try to cough down some peanut-butter bread, but give up halfway through. Gross! Lentil soup is optimal during this period in time, take it from me.
If suffering from nausea, remember that ginger ale and SweetTarts are your friends. These are effective for extreme carsickness all the way down to vague stomachaches that require cancelling all your plans to curl up on the couch moaning and re-watching the entirety of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix.
When suffering from a fever, you’ll want to alternate between keeping very warm and staying very cool. Try a knitted or crocheted afghan for the chills, and a cool, wet washcloth on your feet for when fever spikes. Freezey pops at all times.
Lastly, headaches are troublesome and irritating. The best remedy I’ve found for mild headaches is taking a nap with a heavy book on your face.
Try these panaceas and you’ll be right as rain in no time, after copious whining and exaggeration!
Of course, the best cure for illness is a supportive and loving boyfriend, who draws pictures of you as a chicken being melodramatic:
Then taking a nap and feeling much better:
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