FEELING: SO READY for 2017 to be OVER. LOL but don’t @ me if it takes me a while to get used to writing “2018” on things! I’m in a very “letting things go” frame of mind, at the moment. I feel like I’ve come through a lot of #1) shock and subsequent #2) hurt and now I’m ready for the #3) moving on. Am I “running away from the past” if I just want to put a comfortable distance between myself and ALL OF MY FEELINGS? Whatever. If there’s a bridge that’s been built to “get over it,” I’d like to schedule a time to cross that bridge. I’m sick of being weighed down by resentment, anger, loneliness, and pain. I’m glad the calendar’s about to flip to 2018 — a new year, a clean start, a fresh outlook. Is that positive/upbeat? Maybe? Kinda? Moreso than you expected? Cool.
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WATCHING: I have been. OBSESSED. With Chopped. That’s literally all I’ve been watching, every night, and until I fall asleep. Ted Allen is a BANGIN host, he’s brilliant at drumming up the drama. Hats OFF, Queer Eye Guy! I also recently caught up on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, I’m glad I waited, because *trigger warning* it was really upsetting to see Rebecca’s character melt down. So I’m cautiously approaching it because it’s pushing buttons, but it’s pushing some GOOD buttons, and giving me a lot to think about. I’m glad this show is on TV, even if I sometimes find the musical numbers corny. Sometimes, guys! That one in the pool? No excuse for that. I’m sorry.
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LISTENING TO: Lololol, you’ll gag. I have been listening to a lot of Fleetwood Mac. YEAH, I KNOW! FLEETWOOD MAC!!! I’m absolutely dying to bust out “You Make Loving Fun” at karaoke sometime, so, cross your fingers for me that I a) get the opportunity and b) nail the vocal gymnastics in the chorus WINK WINK!
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READING: Okay, don’t judge me, but I’m back on my bullshit. I haven’t had a lot of train commutes this month (that’s normally when I do my reading) but when I did, I re-read Stranger in a Strange Land. And I think it’s one of my favorite books? But this time around? I’m catching a lot more subtle problematic things. Let’s me upfront: it doesn’t completely and entirely “work” in 2017. There’s some bits about religion and government that feel Fresh! and Evergreen! but a lot of the gender roles and stuff DO NOT. I was explaining Heinlein’s heroines over whiskey recently, actually, and it occurred to me how much of his ideas of femininity I’ve accidentally absorbed. That, like, his female characters are always tough and “tomboy”ish, but also sexy and sexually aggressive. This is probably a blog post for the future, but as I described it, I realized that maybe I “click” with Heinlein because I feel like I want to be those women. And also, I bought Michelle Tea’s Modern Tarot on Amazon for myself and have been working through it -slash- using it as a resource to deepen my understanding of tarot, which YES, I’m still obsessed with. More later.
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WORKING ON: I’ve been working (freelance?) at a new studio on some BIG stuff, which was very challenging for most of the month. I was surrounded by people who were much more experienced and knowledgeable and intimidating than I am, and tools that are much bigger and more complicated and intimidating than I’m used to! I think I held my head above water, but I won’t say it wasn’t tricky. Normally, I’m pretty confident about what I do: I’m always scared of messing up, true, but as a perfectionist, I don’t think that’s going to go away any time soon! But generally, I trust the people I work with to give me the tools and instruction to succeed. This time, however, I felt like I needed to prove myself all over again, and I was very afraid. I had some brilliant moments though: namely, hand-sawing metal pipes with a hacksaw made me feel POWERFUL!!! I’m so glad I had this to focus on this month. Also, as I mentioned above, I memorized the meanings of all the tarot cards in the Rider-Waite deck at the beginning of this month, and I’ve been looking up new resources online to learn spreads, tricks, and deepen my understanding. I want to have a good base of knowledge on how to read the cards built up by the end of this year! And since I live really close to an occult shop (which I still haven’t visited! I know!), I might even look into some workshops and stuff. Who knows? I just know that I feel this passion for it, and I’m going to go for it – within reason.
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THINKING ABOUT: Gosh, starting my whole life over. Trust. I’m thinking a lot about trust. My mom accused me of being too trusting, and I think I am? I talk about this with my therapist all the time. Basically, you’d think my trust would be permanently broken, considering all that I’ve been through. AND YET! I’m still so eager to trust and believe in people. What the heck? How do I fix this??? Do I even want to change this? How do you know when you’re “okay” again? Is anyone ever completely “okay,” or are we all just “okay, most of the time” at best? This work gig has made me miss three therapy appointments in a row, so I’m a little bit lost and reeling, I miss having that weekly grounding experience. I hope I can work out something soon.
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EATING: So I guess the one silver lining here is that I’m living in a home with a microwave again. Yes, I’m trash. BUT! I made taquitos in the microwave — the frozen ones from Trader Joe’s? — and it was AMAZING after coming home from happy hour to celebrate the end of the project with my boss. Have I mentioned that I’m a One-Drink Wonder??? I can have a single beverage and get completely shit-faced. I had ONE CIDER with my boss and came home laughing and talking to myself in the hallway like “OH NO MEGHAN how does an adult human woman of your size and stature get totally wrecked on A SINGLE DRINK?” I remember this happened earlier this month, too – at a reading of my friend’s play! They had wine and after the reading, all the production staff and actors raised a glass and after that ONE HALF-FILLED SOLO CUP OF RED WINE, I got home giggling in the hallway like “OH NO MEGHAN HOW DO YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF???” I guess it means I’m a cheap date, which is cool, but also I would really like to be able to finish a drink (don’t waste precious alcohol, there are sober people in office parks) without riding home talking to myself out loud on the train about how wasted I am and how this happened again. Ugh. Also: the deli at the end of my street makes pre-packaged salads and I have been buying them for vegetables. I need to get some laundry detergent today, I might pick one up for this day’s meals!
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LOOKING FORWARD TO: I actually did go to the Macy’s Parade, and now I’m looking forward to my annual Strawberry Fields tradition ONE WEEK FROM TODAY! Yes, one week from today is MY FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR YES I’M SHOUTING!!!
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MAKING ME HAPPY: I burnt some Palo Santo in my bedroom and every time I walk through the door, it smells homey and magical in here. Every time I leave the house, I make it a point to try something new with makeup, so I feel fancy and pretty and that’s been my creative outlet. My new neighborhood is full of sexy fun graffiti and the coolest people — every time I get off the train in a crowd of well-dressed and creative-looking youths, I feel like I’ve landed in a place where I fit in perfectly. I am falling more and more in love with Brooklyn all the time. I suppose losing so much has made me inadvertently appreciate the smallest of things, more and more than ever. My little room is like a world created just for me, and within it, everything is cozy and perfect (and mostly furry, I should do a room tour, seriously, get ready for major #TextileEnvy). So yeah, little things.
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