FEELING: Uh, overwhelmed? I can’t believe it’s August already! July went by in a FLASH! I was working 3 jobs and pet-sitting for literally half the month. My only weekend off came about due to a DANGEROUS heat wave. And then I turned 35 yesterday! SHEESH! I love being busy, because it means I focus less on my personal issues (see: the disastrous bad haircut that completely destroyed my sense of self) but I found myself absolutely breaking down last month over little things that threw my carefully balanced schedule off. For instance, trying to find time to buy a birthday card for my grandmother. Or running out of coffee. Or not being able to find a clean spoon in the whole apartment with which to eat my breakfast, forcing me to dig through a sink full of dirty dishes to wash cutlery that someone else had used and not bothered to clean up after themselves! I’ve really been on the absolute edge with my temper. I love my work, but it’s not easy. It’s draining to give tours in the heat all day. It’s exhausting to be battling with math and blades and foam that doesn’t respond to any adhesives. I would love just a little bit of slack. I’m really hoping to find more balance in August, and regain control of my life.
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WATCHING: I was so looking forward to the new season of Queer Eye on July 19th, but the first episode turned me off! I’m re-watching RHONY at night during that one hour I’m awake to wash my face and eat dinner before falling asleep to wake up before sunrise and do it all again.
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LISTENING TO: The Bowery Boys, Casefile, and Parcast podcasts are getting me through it. Really. I’ve been keeping my phone full of episodes for those long train rides home in the middle of the night after tours (and in case of work errands) and having podcasts to lose myself in has honestly been helping my mood so much.
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WORKING ON: Shall I list all of my jobs again? Studio assistant at Hat Rabbit Studio, M-F, 9-6:30. Tour guide for Ghosts, Murders, and Mayhem Walking Tours, Friday and Saturday at 8pm (private tours by request). And now, Tour Guide for Metro Tours, Saturday and Sunday, time and location varies (ask for me by name or request a private tour with me for all other times). And I’ve had the joy of watching my friends’ cats while they’re out of town, and those sweet baby darlings have taken to me! Ok they’re not “babies,” but they’re delicate and soft and having time to spend looking into pretty kitty eyes and stroking their soft fur has honestly been like, my blissful respite amidst the busy hectic schedule of everything else.
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THINKING ABOUT: Touching up my roots – my hair is a touchy subject. Earlier in July, I went to get a haircut and got butchered. My worst nightmare is someone hacking up my hair (or cutting off my left arm, incidentally) and now, whenever I look in a mirror, I feel ugly, hopeless, and powerless. I hate taking selfies. I hate looking at myself. I hate the way I feel about myself. My whole sense of who I am, a powerful and confident person, was robbed from me when I saw myself after my hair got chopped brutishly into a hacky, stringy mess. I’m trying to put on a brave face most days, but I have been walking around humbled. I feel like everyone sees me as a pitiful, scarred creature. Every other insecurity has been amplified. I’m thinking of asking for a stronger dose of depression medication next time I see my doctor. I’m really just dissociating myself as hard as I possibly can to keep from weeping every time I touch what’s left of my mangled mane. I hate myself.
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EATING: When I can? A lot of meals out. It’s not good, but I don’t have time to eat, and I can’t live off the granola bar at the bottom of my purse for every meal. Which means I’ve been surviving off KIND bars and the tomato feta soup at Pret a Manger. Basically.
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LOOKING FORWARD TO: When my hair grows back. Maybe next year.
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MAKING ME HAPPY: Cats. Completing work projects. Podcasts. Rosé.
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