It’s Cadbury Mini Eggs Time!!!

 

Open a bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs right now. Put them under your nose. Smell them.

Don’t they smell exactly like the powdered “hot cocoa” you used to make in the microwave as a kid???

 

Yes, I bought a bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs just for myself. Showing remarkable and uncharacteristic restraint, it was a single-serving bag. In the past, I would have bought a full bag, just for myself. This was not a budgetary or dietary decision, however, I’d probably chalk it up to the fact that I’m visiting the dentist once a month every month to get cavities filled that have arisen during the decade-long gap in my dental care, during which time I worked at an ACTUAL candy store, and I’m trying to have better teeth now, because my teeth scare me more than any other thing on/in my body, thankyousoverymuch.

 

And speaking of “chalk,” how could you not feel a thrill when rolling one of these pastel-hued candies around in your mouth, cracking the chalky outer shell against the back of your teeth by puuuuushing it with your tongue until it yields? It’s the density of the shell — tougher than an M&M, here — that makes the eating of the Cadbury Mini Egg feel like so much more of an experience.

 

When it comes to the Candy Calendar Year, there are two main holidays: Easter and Halloween. Don’t let the Fake News Media try to tell you that the biggest holidays of the year are Christmas and Thanksgiving!!! A true Candy Pagan knows that it all boils down to the two Sugar Solstices: Halloween and Easter.

 

Cadbury Mini Eggs are to Easter as Mellowcreme Pumpkins are to Halloween.

 

These are the OFFICIAL CANDIES.

 

I won’t hear your “What about Jelly Beans? What about Candy Corn?” Because sure, those may be more easily recognized and associated with their respective holidays, but they ALSO SUCK. They SUCK! What, are you gonna try to convince me that Marshmallow Peeps and Popcorn Balls are where it’s at? NO. And I’m not saying I wouldn’t eat these. OF COURSE I love ALL Halloween candy, and there’s NOTHING LIKE a hollow chocolate bunny with candy eyes — OH! But these are the facts.

 

And if you think about it, none of the other holidays *really* have candies associated with them! Valentine’s Day has the requisite “heart-shaped box of chocolates,” but that’s not really specific so much as a packaging-based genre, if that makes any sense. Fourth of July has a sweet treat associated with its celebration: the red, white, and blue Firecracker popsicles! Christmas and Thanksgiving are all about the baked goods (sugar cookies and pumpkin pie, respectively). The only real “CANDY HOLIDAYS” are Halloween and Easter.

 

IS IT ANY COINCIDENCE, then, that the vernal and autumnal equinox, both highly important pagan holidays, are the times of year when the BEST CANDIES reëmerge onto our Duane Reade shelves?? The Candy Holidays are totally Pagan! Mellowcreme Pumpkins — a symbol of the harvest! Cadbury Mini Eggs — c’mon, like you never tried to balance an egg during the equinox? Eggs are a symbol of rebirth, what could be more spring! THEREFORE: Mellowcreme Pumpkins and Cadbury Mini Eggs are the most sacred holy candies of the Earth’s continuing cycle around the sun! GET VERNAL, EAT MINI EGGS!

 

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

 

 

Cadbury Mini Eggs photo via Wikipedia (credit: By JenniferHeartsU – self-made, CC BY 3.0, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=16884083)

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