Today…. for the first time in MONTHS… I’m spending an entire day at home.
I’m trying to remember the last time I actually spent an *entire* day at home without working a half-day, or doing a tour, or venturing out to meet my boyfriend. I think it’s really important to have personal alone time. Time *not* spent doing errands. Today, my laundry is washed, my room is tidied, and I have an abundance of groceries in my cupboard. I really have *no* obligations, *no* distractions… I’m free to spend the day in pajamas and no makeup! Woo hoo!
This couldn’t have come at a better time.
I’ve been kept pretty busy and distracted from the news of the past couple of weeks thanks to the hurry and bustle of work. But today, I went into a bit of a tailspin when I got caught up on everything that had taken place YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT and everything came crashing down. I’m not the only American spending this Sunday feeling desperate, betrayed, helpless, and pessimistic about the future.
So of course, when the present and future bother me, I retreat into the past. This morning, by total coincidence, I was cruising Netflix and discovered that the documentary series I’m obsessed with has added a new season! I loved The Sixties, The Seventies, and The Eighties, and today I’m binge-watching The Nineties! I’m starting with the political ones and saving the music/TV ones for later (for dessert 😉 ). One of the things that’s so intrinsic to who I am as a person, yet I don’t talk about it very often here, is that I adore true crime and historical tragedies. I don’t think it’s that unusual: that’s why there’s so many cop dramas and true crime documentaries and podcasts and they’re so popular. You know I give haunted walking tours (and have for over 7 years!), and have actually made a career of sorts out of regaling strangers with stories of tragic events. I tell my customers that we MUST remember these events so that we don’t repeat them, but my reasons for enjoying them so much are a little bit different. When I’m feeling desperate, hopeless, and pessimistic, I can spiral into a panic quickly unless I ground myself, and I ground myself in stories of times in the past when the world seemed to be on the brink of destruction. And times when people, like me, were certain that they wouldn’t have a future, either. Bay of Pigs. World War II. Y2K. It’s helpful for me to remember that this isn’t the first time, nor will it be the last, that it feels like the world is ending. Hey, it works for me.
And speaking of “dessert:” the photo up top is of the candy I bought myself yesterday at Sockerbit in Greenwich Village, the Swedish pick & mix candy store. I really basically went there for gluten-free black licorice, which is IMPOSSIBLE to find anywhere else, but which Sockerbit has in many varieties! I’m taking it easy on myself by eating egg sandwiches with Sriracha mayo and provolone cheese, and I just finally cracked open an Angry Orchard Rosé Hard Cider which I bought weeks ago but haven’t had the time to crack open. Which is to say, I haven’t had the time I needed to drink an entire adult beverage before falling asleep since I bought it. If you’re a cider drinker, I vouch for this flavor as it’s not too sweet and a fun crossover between hard cider and rosé, very refreshing! I’m going to try to hunt down a source for my McKenzie’s Seasonal Reserve this year (and hopefully even find their pumpkin flavor)!!!
And, as I have been for the past few weeks, I’ve been delving back into The Satanic Bible, which is, more than anything, like a really edgy philosophy/self help book. The chapter that’s sticking out to me this week is the two-page, short chapter on “Love and Hate.” The first time I read it, I thought, “this is exactly how I felt right after the 2016 Presidential election.” Re-reading it this week, one sentence that really sums up the chapter stuck out to me: “By learning to release your hatred towards those who deserve it, you cleanse yourself of those malignant emotions and need not take your pent-up hatred out on your loved ones.” I don’t know if you’re also struggling to carry the weight of your anger and fear through your own life, but I’m personally having a hard time finding the brightness but through the magic of SATAN (ok, Anton LeVay, he wrote the book), I’m trying to focus on the things that are good in my life and love them just as hard as I *HATE* what’s going on in our federal government. I am a generally loving person (no BS! I totally am!) who always wants to see the best in everyone, and because of this, I can feel *personally betrayed* by evil human beings, which seem to be everywhere, in abundance, on the Supreme Court and popping up in comedy clubs (GO AWAY, LOUIS CK! GO HOME!). And it’s difficult, but liberating, to allow myself to HATE THESE FUCKERS instead of wasting my time trying to understand their motives and find merit in them. Nah. Fuck ’em. To paraphrase The Satanic Bible’s viewpoint on the matter: The ones you love, you LOVE THEM well. And all the rest, can GO TO HELL.
Now I’m ending the day watching Daria in the bed I spent all day in. I stayed in my pajamas all day. I didn’t shower. I didn’t brush my teeth. Don’t “EW” me, it’s been a tough news week! Hey. I made a 90s playlist on Spotify that’s over 8 hours long. In case you need to avoid social media and listen to the songs that I’m nostalgic for. Let’s have a better week than last one!