After “Before He Cheats”


Ext. Honkey-tonk dive bar. HE and SHE exit together, entwined. SHE is visibly tipsy and stumbling over the sidewalk, but she falls when HE drops her to the ground in shock.

HE: What the hell? MY CAR!

SHE: OOF! Where’s yer car hon? OH SHIT.

HE: That bitch trashed my car!!

SHE: Who trashed your car??

HE: My girlfriend, Carrie Underwood.

SHE: Your girlfriend?!? Carrie Underwood?!?

CARRIE: Yes, it was I! His girlfriend! Carrie Underwood!

Carrie pops out from behind the car wielding a baseball bat and clenching a set of keys in her fist.

HE: WHAT THE FUCK, Carrie?!?

SHE: Excuuuuse me, you didn’t say you had a girlfriend!!

CARRIE: Oh, did he neglect to mention that while he was showing you his patented pool-shootin’ move? Yeah, I know all about that, you two-timing weasel!

HE: This is thousands of dollars worth of damage, Carrie! And you know full well my insurance doesn’t cover “Acts of Country Star Girlfriend!” I’m calling the police.

CARRIE: Oh nooo, I’m sorry, did I ruin your booty call with your little tramp?

SHE: Woah, woah, woah. I may be girl-drink drunk, but there is no need to call me a tramp. I’m not your boyfriend, sweetie. He is. And I never woulda let him buy me all those cute little umbrella drinks if I’da known he was dating Carrie Underwood! I can’t believe it!

HE: “Hello, police? My girlfriend vandalized my car!”

SHE: Like, I can’t believe it! You’re Carrie Underwood! You could do soooo much better than this loser. I mean, he picked me up on Tuesday Karaoke night. If I wasn’t so desperate for a rebound lay, I wouldn’t even have given him the time o’ day!

CARRIE: Wait… you’re on the rebound? Shoot. Well, I guess we’re both single gals who been done wrong by their men.

SHE: I know this sounds crazy, but they’re still serving half price well drinks in there and well, it’s not a bad place, even if the men are kinda sleazy. I think I owe you a beer, Miss Underwood, at least to apologize for the trouble and misunderstanding.

CARRIE: You know what? You’re right. I got no beef with you. I’m sorry I sang all that stuff about what a trashy blonde hooker you are.

SHE: Say what?

CARRIE: Let’s let bygones be bygones. Tell you what, I’ll buy you a beer. I’m sorry I let my internalized misogyny make me think you were my enemy, when clearly, I’m the victim of an unfaithful sleazebag and you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time!

SHE: Shucks, Miss Underwood, I’d be honored. You know, I reckon you and me oughta sing a little karaoke… long as you don’t make fun of my song choice!

CARRIE: *laughs nervously* Now why would I ever do that?

SHE and Carrie wrap arms around each other’s shoulders and make their way back into the honky-tonk dive bar.

HE: Wait! Wait! The police are on their way! You can’t go anywhere!

CARRIE: Oh, I’m not going anywhere! We’ll be riiiight inside! *to SHE* Now, you say they got those little umbrella drinks? I love those!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.