Have You Seen The Premiere Of The Bachelor Yet? Because I’m Not So Sure I Have

Have you seen the season premiere of The Bachelor? It aired on Monday. It was a 3-hour live television event! Or was it?

For years, Chris Harrison has been screaming at us that we can expect THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON YET but I’ve got a funny feeling that this time, we won’t. We won’t be seeing the most dramatic season yet. Nope. Not in the least.

First things first, I am 100% not here for mocking the women, picking favorites, or hating on any of the contestants. NO! The New-And-Improved-2019-Meghan is NOT HERE for any NLOGgy bullshit. I love and support all of these women because frankly, each and every one of them deserves better than they’re gettin’. This year, I’m purely here to hate the fuck out of the Bachelor.

Not since Nick have we come into a season already hating The Bachelor, for good reason. Actually, I’m viewing Nick through new eyes, and hating him LESS when compared to this new guy. Colton Underwood has already proven himself to be The Actual Worst, despite having almost no discernable personality, and here’s why. Make your hands all wavy, it’s time to do a flashback.

Ya back? Ok. I literally could go ON and ON about why Carlton has already demonstrated himself to be terrible, but it apparently doesn’t matter to ABC because of these two things:

Thing One: Clapton is, according to the midwestern viewers attending the Bachelor Live Premiere viewing parties, “hot.” (ok?)

Thing Two: Clayton is a virgin.

Not since reading La Casa de Bernarda Alba in high school advanced Spanish class has there been a character whose preservation of virginity has been so integral to a plotline than Colby Underoo’s. In the year (?) since we first met him in person on Becca’s season, ABC must have been PERSONALLY INVESTED in guarding his crotch at ALL TIMES to keep their golden boy from sticking his dick into anything other than an athletic cup in a football uniform for B-roll footage. I wouldn’t be surprised if the camerapeople filming those salacious shirtless shower scenes that ABC keeps trotting out for us as proof of Thing One Colton Is “Hot,” are given strict orders to stop panning down before revealing that iron underpants that ABC has locked around his loins, a la Maid Marian in Robin Hood: Men In Tights. You’re picturing it now.

Confidentially, I think it might be interesting to see how this plays out. I, personally, could not care less if someone chooses to abstain from sexual activity, but it’s FASCINATING what a big deal ABC is making out of this. Claptrap is the FIRST VIRGIN BACHELOR in history. I could spend an entire blog post deconstructing the entire concept of virginity, but you already know that it’s bullshit, so let’s just swallow it and move on. What will be INTERESTING to see is how ABC manages to keep up this weird duality of marketing: showing Cooper’s half-naked showering torso to keep reminding viewers Thing One Colton Is “Hot”, while simultaneously hyping up his chaste purity because Thing Two Colton Is A Virgin. ind of the way they trot out the Bachelorettes every season: As fragile, untouchable princesses, objects of untouchable desire, the woman that all 30 men lust after but none can have (until the Fantasy Suites, of course).

So I’m eager to see this play out because, as of now, I still have NO IDEA what to expect. We have virtually NO INKLING of Colton’s personality beyond 1) being hot and 2) being a “virgin.” I’ve been over his social media (where d’ya think these photos came from? I don’t have a secret folder of photos on my phone, gawrsh) and all I’ve learned is that he plays football, he likes dogs, and he… is The Bachelor. These three things, together with his well-documented history of romantic fickleness and emotional unavailability, don’t strike me as a recipe for compelling TV.

MOST DRAMATIC SEASON YET?!? I doubt it.

I’ve seen more footage of Coltron than I have of any of the women vying for his attention, and I have a better sense of who they are than who he is. Tryna tell me Sloth Girl wasn’t a more interesting human than THIS DUDE? I’m not trying to veer into Misandry Land, but DAMN. I haven’t been this bored by a Bachelor since Ben Higgins! And ARIE was so boring that he BORED HIMSELF!!!

Am I really gonna watch this whole damn season in the hopes that Clifton develops a personality? How am I gonna suffer through endless dates of helicopter small talk? Is this actually about to be the LEAST DRAMATIC SEASON YET???

like… we’re still watching EITHER WAY, right?