It’s Porn, Bitches

UNTIL NOW, I’d never understood the desire to watch porn.

Granted, my own experience with pornography in the traditional medium is very limited. Limited to side-plots on Law & Order: SVU and that one time in college after I’d just turned 18 (18!), when my friends and I attended an amateur drag show (drag show!) then piled into my van to drive to the Adult Outlet off Route 11 (Route 11!) and select a $1 DVD of “Where The Boys Aren’t 5” from the sale bin (sale bin!). We took it back to my classmate’s house and watched it on low volume so as not to wake her sleeping mother or grandmother. Crowded together on plush carpet, shushing each other’s giggles and surrounded by 3′ tall ornately dressed dolls, was my first and pretty much last exposure to actual porn.

My general feeling has always been, “Why do you want to watch someone else have sex instead of having actual sex yourself???” I used to compare it to sandwiches, of all things. “If you’re hungry, which would you rather do? Watch someone eat a sandwich, or eat a sandwich yourself?” I chirped sanctimoniously. Boy, was I naive.

But I’ve pretty much stood by my statement of “Don’t watch someone else have fun, have fun yourself!” until I realized I was a HUNGRY HUNGRY HYPOCRITE the other day when I was indulging in my cherished pastime of Internet dog videos. Specifically, THIS ONE:

I watched another person give Tibby an ear massage like, more times than the average viewer, I’m sure. I was beside myself with delight. “Oh my God, she’s so cute. I bet she’s so soft and fluffy…” I suddenly saw myself from the outside and realized I was watching porn. Puppy porn.

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: it has come to my attention that for some humans, the viewing of pornography is inextricably linked to the act of masturbation. I, the author, did not in any way, shape, or form, masturbate to this video any more than you are masturbating to that picture of Eggs Benedict that you just hashtagged “food porn.” Unless you are. In which case, I’m the one who is doing brunch wrong, and I’m sorry if you feel shamed for getting off on Hollandaise sauce. 

 

I heard my own words, modified, echoed back to me: “Why do you want to watch someone pet a puppy when you could just pet a puppy yourself???” Well, I can’t. I can’t pet a puppy. Where would I even begin to find a puppy to pet, I ask you?

So maybe I was thinking about porn in all the wrong way. It’s not about porn as a substitute for sex, any more than watching someone else pet a puppy is the same thing as petting an actual puppy myself. It’s a totally different thing! I was being reductive and ridiculous. It’s not an “either/or,” it’s a “because I like it!” And who am I to judge what makes people happy?

Now, I feel pretty ashamed. My views on porn were pretty sex-negative before, weren’t they? Plus, it’s quite hypocritical to say “do whatever you want as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody else” while squealing “EWWWW” at the notion of watching porn. Hungry Hungry Hypocrite, that’s me.

 

So while I continue to enjoy watching videos of puppers getting their heads pet, I resolve henceforth not to judge you watching humans getting the orgasmic equivalent. Porn. Whatever. Watch what you’re gonna watch. As long as it doesn’t hurt anybody, why not.

 

No puppers or porn stars were harmed in the making of this video (VSFW).

 

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