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Five Albums: Arrival
“See that girl, watch that scene/digging the Dancing Queen” I’m 12 years old and I’ve re-discovered ABBA. My parents laugh because they have video of toddler-me dancing to “Take A Chance On Me.” Oh, if there was YouTube in 1989! But when I rekindle my love of ABBA in 1997, I do my share…
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The Popsicle Zodiac
Pink: Total hedonist. You enjoy only the finest things in life. Your bed has no fewer than six pillows. That’s four pillows more than necessary, and you know it. Your most frequent recurring nightmare is the one where you realize your favourite designer handbag is actually a knockoff. Blue: You were the first kid to…
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God Hates You
I don’t believe in God. I don’t think there’s any compelling evidence that God exists. I find it scientifically improbable that there is a ruling force to the chaotic universe we live in. I’d hate to believe there’s some dickface cloud-dwelling billionaire up there who gives cancer to babies to test their parents’ faith. But…
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The First Time A Joke Blew Up In My Face
I live to tell jokes. Always have, always will. Fact: at a party, an acquaintance pulled me aside to tell me he admired my Twitter hashtag. That compliment meant more to me than shaking the school board president’s hand at my High School graduation. Being laughed at – or with – is the highest compliment…
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No Mo’ “Hoes”
Source: lesmis.com Whore, Prostitute, Skank, Ho’Bag, Tramp, Hooker, Lady of the Evening, Hussy, Ho. Can we seriously just stop?When I was 13, I thought being a prostitute would be the coolest job ever. I had just learned what a prostitute was by listening to the soundtrack for Les Miserables (Fantiiiine! Lovely Ladies!) and I thought…
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The Time I Catfished Somebody I Knew IRL
I know we just flipped our calendars over to 2016, but tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1999! That’s right – we’re going back to the days of dial-up internet! If you had to google either of the phrases “dial-up internet” or “party like it’s 1999,” I’m gonna bet that you weren’t even alive yet…
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When I’m Scared, I Tell Myself…
Moments of bravery: we all have them. Do you, like me, use your personal moments of bravery in times of struggle? In a previous post, I mentioned how much I challenged myself in 2015 and the confidence those moments of challenge gave me when faced with mundane, everyday moments of doubt. Y’know – job interviews,…
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2015 Best Nine Instagrams
What the hell is this post, a shameless plug for my Instagram? On the one hand, yes definitely. On the other hand, I’ve felt an Instagram rant has been long overdue from me and I want to get my feelings out there and see what you think. But first, the ‘grams: 1. My top ‘gram…
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Rainy Sunday Morning Update
First off, thanks for all your kind comments, tweets, and (mom) concerned texts about my cold – can’t say I’m 100% yet, but I feel like I’m sloooooowly getting better! Aside from work and doctor’s visits, I’ve been laying pretty low at home, but I had my first social venture of the New Year last…
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5 Things I Learned in 2015
I went through so many changes in 2015 that I had a hard time narrowing down just five things I learned. Instead of joking (whaaaa?! me, not joking?) about silly things like “I learned how to pencil in my eyebrows,” I took the high road by listing the serious lessons I learned in 2015. And…
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2015 in Review: Fourth Quarter
OCTOBER School Shooting Curriculum (10/5/15): “School used to prepare kids for the future: college, career, success. But now, schools should take new aim (all puns intended) to prepare kids for their actual future: getting shot…” Guilty Pleasure Wedding Reality Show (10/19/15): “Greg, this cake is what I’ve always dreamed of. I just can’t take a…
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2015 in Review: Third Quarter
JULY Living With Roommates vs. A SigOth (7/9/15): “When you live with a roommate, you are a constant thorn in their side. Your dishes. Your dirty tennis shoes. Your noisy breathing! To your roommate, you are a necessary evil they literally must live with because they can’t afford the rent on their own.” If…
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2015 in Review: Second Quarter
APRIL I Have A Crush (4/4/15): “Brooklyn’s humble, eclectic charm was calling to me. While my old haunts were burning down, moving out, or turning into 7-11’s, I turned to Brooklyn’s vintage shops and offbeat museums for respite. When Manhattan rushed me, I’d spend carefree weekends winding down windy streets.” Jiminy Crickets! (4/23/15): “No stranger…
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2015 in Review: First Quarter
JANUARY Adjusting to the New Job (1/22/15): “Most days I go home tired. Some days, I go home feeling like a total failure. I feel so defeated it’s hard to breathe as I walk to the subway. And some other days, things go so well that I feel like dancing all the way home. But…
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5 Years Later
Five years ago, I sat on a cold marble bench, I watched this tree twinkle under the arch, and I got the phone call. It still doesn’t make sense to me, that you’ll never be there again. You were always there. Sitting in the back row, pulling up the street, the corner booth in the…
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5 Christmas Traditions!
I’m sure all you people with nice, normal families have nice, normal Christmas traditions like “baking cookies” and “singing carols around the piano” but my family is neither nice, nor normal. Our Christmas traditions make Clark Griswold want to hide in the attic and never come out. But family is family, and I’d be lying…
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OOPS! Accident Prone!
” A C C I D E N T P R O N E “ If four syllables describe me better, I’ve yet to find them. I’m the queen of accidental self-injury, breaking things, and ruining everything! I’m Lucille Ball re-incarnate, down to the mournful wail of defeat. Please refer to fig. A: A Brief…
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In A Relationship with Beauty: It’s Complicated
I am, I’m sure, and AWESOME girlfriend. So when my boyfriend observes: “You have a complicated relationship with beauty,” my first instinct is to say, “All women have a complicated relationship with beauty, it’s because of society,” and while I still believe this is true, I must admit, I Have A Complicated Relationship With Beauty. …
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What Was Your Favourite Book As A Child?
My very first book obsession was Go, Dog, Go! Apparently, I made my parents read it to me so many times that I memorized it and would “read” it back to them! They figured out my “secret” when they put a random other book in my hands, and I proceeded to read Go, Dog, Go!…
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What Was Your First Drink?
When you were a toddler, your parents might have slipped you sips of beer, or let you taste the champagne at a wedding, but I want to know: what was your first “real” alcoholic beverage like? How old were you? Did you like it? I was a few months shy of my 21st birthday (therefore…