Doggy Daycare Drama Coach

  Some people are sports people, some people are theatre people.   Hear me out.   Some people are sports people, some people are theatre people. This is a fact. And you can’t really be a “sports person” AND a “theatre person” and this conflict is borne out in High School[…]

* ~ * Adult Fantasies * ~ *

stomach growling, I slink my way to the kitchen and open the fridge. It’s full of food, and some of this food comes together to make a satisfying meal, which I sensuously eat. my phone chimes with a text — it’s my pharmacy. They inform me that my prescriptions are due for[…]

Ass To Plastic

  It’s 87º — do you know where your ass is? If you’re one of the literally millions of commuters aboard the NYC MTA, chances are, your sweaty upper thighs and gluteus maximuses are sticking right to the plastic seats aboard your chosen train. That’s right. It’s ASS TO PLASTIC SEASON.     The phenomenon known[…]

If I Only Had 48 Hours To Live

  Yep, I’m a morbid goth kid 4 life. But I think about this a lot: how I want to spend the end of my life. Frankly, it’s a lot easier (for me) to idealize the end of my life, than to imagine or plan for the next five years, fifteen years, FIFTY years.[…]

For Your Consideration: I Should Be The Bachelorette!

  Attn: ABC, Bachelor Franchise, Chris Harrison, et al:   You have a problem.   Arie’s season debuted to record low ratings. People are turning away from the franchise in record numbers. You got your asses handed to you by Young Sheldon, for crying out loud! Let’s not even speak of the Bachelor in Paradise. Let’s NOT. Your[…]

GOOD NEWS! It’s SHOWTIME!!!

  Oh, hello, there! Tonight is OPENING NIGHT for The Bloody Deed of 1857! I am all kinds of nervous, and I’ve been buzzing about all week long. Which mostly means hanging around on street corners in the East Village, talking aloud to myself about murders that took place in the nineteenth[…]

Hilarious

  The word I use most often to describe things: HILARIOUS. And to make things worse, I’ve picked up the habit of extending the word with a big, warm, open “A” in the middle: That thing that happened at work was hilAAAAAArious. The new exhibit you have to see at[…]

Dead People Christmas Playlist!!!

  Ho, ho, ho! Christmas is almost here! I’m still trying to ‘get it up’ for this holiday. Yes, honestly. I’m headed “home” for Christmas today after putting in a couple hours at the studio, and you know what I’m going to be listening to while I work?   DEAD[…]

I Can Be Your Hero, Baby

In 2016, I applied for literally every job under the sun. I only got one of those jobs, but that’s because THIS job hadn’t been made available yet. And speaking of “under the sun,” it involves outer space.   NASA is hiring a Planetary Protection Officer. Someone to protect the world from[…]

This Is Why It Takes Forever To Walk Anywhere In The City In The Rain

  UMBRELLAS. It’s because everyone is carrying umbrellas.   A normal sidewalk is like a stream, and its pedestrians like fish. Foot traffic hinges on the ability of walkers to blithely slither past each other, faster fish weaving and bobbing through schools of slower fish.   Umbrellas, though.   A[…]

After “Before He Cheats”

  Ext. Honkey-tonk dive bar. HE and SHE exit together, entwined. SHE is visibly tipsy and stumbling over the sidewalk, but she falls when HE drops her to the ground in shock. HE: What the hell? MY CAR! SHE: OOF! Where’s yer car hon? OH SHIT. HE: That bitch trashed[…]

Poppin’ Tags: A True Story About How Storytelling Saved My Butt

I have a favorite Goodwill store. I assume you all do, too. Mine is on 8th street, just East of 6th Avenue. Damn close to the Jefferson Market Library, home to my favorite clock tower. They have a really good selection of quirky items, and they’re pretty lax about enforcing their “only[…]

I’m Not Sorry About My ‘Feelings’ About This Hot Pockets Commercial

  Intrigued? I know I am. This commercial, to me, is just dripping in weird toxic masculinity code.  WATCH IT!:   What is this ad saying, basically? That if you’re a dude, you’re busy doing DUDE things. Otherwise, there would be a female platonic friend wearing a VR headset on that sofa! But Nope,[…]

New Neighbors

New York City is a diverse, fascinating place to live. You never know who you’re going to meet! And one’s own neighborhood can be a thrilling opportunity to get to know people from all sorts of exotic cultures. Why, take a look at my new neighbors! Just a few months ago,[…]

I Got The Power

I wanted to pop in a week after this post and give you an update on my medical situation, but since then, the health and welfare of the entire country has gone critical. I can’t believe it actually happened, but Tr*mpcare passed the HOR. REALLY?! I mean, HOW?!? We have to stop this from passing the Senate. I’m[…]

You Got Me, Babe

Ok I said it like five months ago that May was gonna be the month that Tr*mp was impeached. And y’all, it is just taking way too long. America is getting scarier and worse by the day. What am I supposed to do? Sit around and wait for you to impeach him? Well,[…]

Good News: Some Things Shouldn’t Make Me Laugh (But They Do)

First of all, please go to this website and watch the video of the doggo who learned how to eat whipped cream straight from the canister. GO! And now for the obvious joke: “What breed of dog is this? Is she a “WHIP-IT?” Omg sometimes my brilliance hurts, it really hurts.[…]