MAYO MIXES: Should We? Why DID We?

You know mayonnaise is a huge part of my #personal brand. It’s all about the THREE M’S: Mayonnaise. Murder. and… Manhattan? I think. Yeah. Good intro.

So I just saw that Heinz — the ketchup company — has introduced these two new “mayo mixes” to the market: MayoMust (which is a combination of Mayonnaise and Mustard) and MayoCue, a combination of… mayonnaise… and… Barbecue Sauce??? AND AND AND! They’ve already BEEN SELLING a thing called “MAYOCHUP,” which is made of Mayonnaise and, you can assume, the Heinz banner product, KETCHUP. Not “catsup,” because then where did the “-chup” suffix come from? It’s MAYO and CHUP! But should it be?

Now, I have never *personally* mixed mayonnaise with ketchup. I don’t know if I’ve ever eaten mayonnaise and ketchup together, but I do know someone who DOES, religiously, and he is actually evil incarnate. I’d try this, but I feel like I can already taste it from making it for his sandwiches, and I kind of want to retch a little at the thought.

What I *do* eat, almost EVERY DAY, is mayonnaise and sriracha. NOT SRIRACHA-MAYO. I have them both together, but separate. Never mix, never worry. I don’t like to mix condiments. Except…

Growing up, we used to make our own tartar sauce for fish fingers, combining mayonnaise and pickle relish. Condiments! Mixed together! And I don’t hate it! It’s a straight-out-of-a-Betty-Crocker kind of cooking shortcut that I love! So this concept it’s foreign to me, at least, it’s not anything new.

And I have, in the past, made a dip for my taquitos that consists of a dish full of sour cream with a hefty scoop of salsa verde in the center that, over time, gets stirred together into a spicy-creamy-dip. It’s revolting to THINK ABOUT, but on your 6th taquito, you kind of have to set aside your concepts of society might think of as “gross” and just stuff taquitos in your drunk face while tears from Queer Eye stream down your face!

Now, I can get behind, I suppose, the Mayo-Must. I’ve used both mayo and mustard in the making of grilled cheese sandwiches. Not “yellow mustard,” but close, and I can see this being a time-saving move, if not a flavor-enhancing move.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around the mayonnaise-barbecue sauce. I can’t even fathom it. I can’t taste it. What is this about? 

I love my mayonnaise, but I love my mayonnaise pure! Why can’t we, the consumer, make our OWN flavor choices? Tabasco Mayo is a thing that exists for purchase. “MAYORACHA” is a trademarked concept. I am totally blown away by Williams-Sonoma’s Burger Bomb Sauce?!

BUT THEN AGAIN: one of my favorite guilty pleasures in New York City — yes, I feel a little guilty about this one — is Pommes Frites, a Belgian-style french fries establishment that sells HUGE CONES of delicious thick-cut frites and a menu of sauces longer than my arm! Most of them are “aoili”-based — as in — MAYONNAISE WITH FLAVORS MIXED IN. Now, I can’t even pick a favorite of these mayo-combos. So maybe I do like pre-mixed mayonnaise ???  I’M SO CONFUSED!!!

Am I just.. mayonnaise-repressed? Am I only consuming “plain” mayo because I haven’t tried mayo-mixes? Do I just need to expand my world with the possibilities of mayo?

I’m eyeing that bottle of barbecue sauce in the fridge and my mayonnaise bottle next to it and think… maybe there’s more to this mayonnaise life?