We’ve been dreading it. Planning around it. Making forced gallows-humor jokes about it. And now…

Well, in a bizarrely unilateral move, Gov. (ptooey!) Cuomo announced that there would be no L train shutdown. 

Couldn’t have said it any better myself, cryptically ominous subway tile graffiti.

In a totally “everything means nothing” move, that bitter pill that we’ve been gagging on for years, now? Has just Heimliched out of our throats and now we’re sighing with relief. New York has how many now, 8 million people? And the sexiest among them live off the L train (it’s true. Ride the subway long enough and you’ll see. G train has some babes too, but the most attractive straphangers are strapping on to the L train). And now we don’t have to give up our cute Williamsburg/Bushwick/Ridgewood apartments just because some boring superstorm destroyed our city’s infrastructure. Boo, hiss, you’re a loser.

You’d think New Yorkers would be STOKED about this!
But then, you probably don’t know any New Yorkers well enough.

Because we are NOT. HAPPY.

First of all, we demand restorative justice. For months, we’ve been subjected to periodic complete and total L train weekend and overnight shutdowns. We’ve been forced onto shuttle buses and made to walk miles out of our way to the goddamn J TRAIN for chrissake and for WHAT?!? For. What. Wasn’t that supposed to be preparing us for the inevitable complete and total lack of L train service? That it turns out, isn’t happening anymore? NOW what was the fucking point? to “Teach Us Patience”?!? This isn’t a kindergarten class playing The Quiet Game, goddamnit! Grraaugrhhhh!!!

And it doesn’t make sense! It just Doesn’t. Make. Sense. First you’re telling me it’s gonna take 18 whole-ass months to repair the Canarsie tunnel and we were like “What” and “Goddamn” and ultimately “Okay” because we kept hearing it OVER and OVER and OVER. Now, All of a Sudden, like Two Days after taking office again despite losing 1/3 of the vote in the primary to Miranda from Sex and the City, you’re suddenly like “Merry Christmas, you can keep your apartment because the L train shutdown is cancelled, sis! I am s c r e a m i n g.” Like, what? Does the tunnel all of a sudden NOT need to be fixed? Did I *miss* something? Did you actually sneaky-sneak fix it during all those weekends in September and November when I had to take fucking Uber home from work because it was fuckin midnight and the only way to get to the Island of Brooklyn was pay $50 for a private car or swim? I legiterally have no idea.

So where are we at? Ultimately, we are happy (?) but for how long? Because it’s one thing to say you’re not gonna shut down an entire subway line. It’s another to provide consistent and reliable service. Ask literally everybody in Astoria. But tonight? We rest easy in the knowledge that maybe things won’t actually be as bad as we thought? And that, even if they ARE, we’re already prepared for it, AND it’ll just make goddamn Cuomo look WORSE?

At any rate, we’ve already made best friends with all the bars/liquor stores in our own damn neighborhoods, so we’ll just ride this out. Or, not ride it. You know. Whatever.