Attn: ABC, Bachelor Franchise, Chris Harrison, et al:
You have a problem.
Arie’s season debuted to record low ratings. People are turning away from the franchise in record numbers. You got your asses handed to you by Young Sheldon, for crying out loud! Let’s not even speak of the Bachelor in Paradise. Let’s NOT.
Your show needs a new direction. A new attitude. A new Bachelorette.
Your show needs ME.
I know you know it, too. In past years, the Bachelor/Bachelorettes have been secretly all about the social media fame, and not really that interested in finding love. But with me, you KNOW what you get: I’m all about social media fame, AND, I am genuinely desperate for love! Cards on the table time. Unlike Meatloaf, I would do anything for love –– and I WILL DO THAT. Sincerity? Check.
You need someone older, wiser, mature enough to handle the fame that comes with being Bachelorette. I can honestly promise you that I *am* older. Older than anyone you’ve ever had on the show. I have a flexible schedule, nothing to lose, and you won’t find any skeletons in my closet! Contrast me with sweet little Bekah M, who caused a scandal when she was reported missing by her mother because she forgot to tell her mom she was leaving for the show! Oh, bless her lil’ 22-year-old heart! I am a full 150% her age, and if I went weeks without calling my mother, she would definitely not report me missing! She’d just assume I’d gone and done something bonkers. Bekah: 0, Meghan, 1.
But don’t you worry: I won’t be a boring Bachelorette. Unlike fellow 30something Arie, current Bachelor and barely-sentient Ken Doll, I will keep the viewers’ attention between Kia commercials. Arie is the very portrait of stable self-control. I am NOT. I’m a born rule-breaker and I can’t promise I’ll wait for the Fantasy Suites, if I like someone! Better keep Chris Harrison away from the mimosas, he’s going to need to keep me in line! It’s about time someone made that man earn his keep!
You need me, Bachelor Nation. People are bored of the same flawless, tanned, pretty people, keeping it together and making good choices. I’m a self-professed “easy crier” who falls head over heels at the drop of a hat, kisses on the first date, and doesn’t have a “type.” In fact, I love a character. You could cast 30 absolute weirdos and I would be OVER THE MOON! I know every cast needs an “oddball,” an Alexis in a dolphin costume, to keep the viewers’ interest. Imagine if you could cast a whole MANSION full of ukulele-playing hipsters, tattooed bikers, performance artists, and Burners! THAT would make people tune in!
ABC, I await your call. I know that, traditionally, The Bachelorette must first appear on The Bachelor, to earn her place. I am willing to do that. I am willing to mud wrestle, dance at the Moulin Rouge, do farm work, whatever. I know the hoops. I’ll jump through them.
Call me, Chris Harrison.
rose via pixabay