The Slut Illuminati


illuminati

“Are we all assembled? Good.

First order of business on the agenda: electing a new treasurer because, as we all know, Tiffany is getting married this summer, we love you Tiff, but once you are a married woman, you can no longer be a slut. At this moment, we are open to applications for the position.

We will have a presentation by Crystal with a C, our newly-appointed chairslut on the Committee of Gender relations. She will be educating us on the proper skirt length to signify that you are “asking for it.” Yes, we all know that your clothes’ hems magically shrink the more times you have sex. Crystal is gathering a fact-finding committee to figure out how Michelle Duggar’s skirts stay so long when it is widely known that she has had sex at least 19 times and counting.

There will be a slideshow put together by the Board of Media Relations about the slutty new Snapchat filters we will be using this summer. As we all know, ‘dog face’ has long been regarded as the “ho filter,” but we are seeing some interesting competition from ‘flower crown’ filter and ‘cat wearing makeup’ filter. I think I speak for all us sluts when I say that I am very excited to hear this presentation.

And finally, we’ll be looking forward to next quarter’s Slut Meeting. I know we’re still at the peak of summer, or “rosé season,” in the common vernacular of us sluts. But it’s never too early to start planning for the autumn, or “pumpkin spice season.” We will begin our planning for Halloween! The biggest slut holiday of the year, and brainstorming costumes to be made slutty. We’re going to focus on slutty occupations, slutty snack foods, and slutty nostalgic children’s characters.

This is going to be a lot of information, ladies. There are a lot of decisions to be made today, and sluts all over the world are depending on us. So let’s begin, and let’s get slutty.”


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