School is back in session this year and already a hot topic:  DRESS CODES!  What girls wear, or don’t wear, can make or break an educational environment.  You see, without strict dress codes dictating what girls can wear, female students will just wear whatever clothes they feel comfortable in, just like the little unrepentent whores they are!  And we all know that when girls wear clothes they feel comfortable in, boys in school cannot focus on their studies!

The truth boils down to this:

1.  School is boring

2.  Sex is interesting.

So how do we scare teen boys away from thinking about sex, and force them to concentrate on their studies?!?

By implementing  my  dress code:  THE UGLY SWEATER DRESS CODE.

The Kim Davis:  Hey Moms!  Worried about your boys being led astray by godless hussies whose arms are on display?  The Kim Davis layering sweater ensures that not only are your arms covered, they are doubly covered – In Ignorance!  God be praised, it’s a modest-to-a-fault school uniform that promotes family values!  Side effects may include children born out of wedlock, multiple divorces, and becoming holier than thou.

The Wesley Crusher:  Offering full coverage and modest yet confusing futuristic patterns, this look renders the female form shapeless and unnappealing, forcing young boys to focus on their studies with the sartorial stylings of one futuristic whiz kid, played by Wil Wheaton.  This is a look that says “Hey!  You’re never going to get into Starfleet, or even community tech, if you don’t get those eyes off Suzie’s shoulder blades and back on your geometry quiz!”

The Bill Cosby: Now, some of you feminists may be whining that pandering to male students sets female co-eds up as victims of an unfair system and blames them for circumstances beyond their control in a classic “victim blaming” maneuver.  So how do you avoid treating girls as victims?  Why, dress them up as predators!  Donning a Cosby sweater sends a message to the boys who may be tempted.  And that message is:  “Careful!  I may drop some drugs into your school lunch and you’ll find yourself pantsless and snoring on the lacrosse field tomorrow morning!”

Simple implementation of the Ugly Sweater Dress Code into your school’s policy will certainly result in higher test scores and graduation rates for the straight male student body, and itchiness and overheating on all the female student bodies, thereby contradicting the very purpose of wearing a tank top to school in the first place:  because it’s hot.  Too hot in school to wear a sweater and still be able to perform on standardized tests and focus in class.  But who cares whether girls are too uncomfortable in their uniforms to attend school in the first place?  If you can’t stand the heat, get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich, ladies, AMIRITE?!?  This debate is all about a boy’s right to an undistracted learning environment, free from being impeded by the sexually tempting visage of women he shouldn’t be objectifying in the first place! 

Ugly Sweaters, Hooray!