FEELING: Lost. Pressure is on now to find a job while my life has stabilized and I’m not running off to the desert for weeks at a time (Hi! Still out there! Sincerely hope as I write this I’m not crawling in bugs and pooping in a bucket!). I really have no idea where to start – everything I want to do with my life seems to fall into the “do it for free or don’t do it at all” realm, which sucks the big bucks. It kind of makes you feel worthless, when you consider that you believe yourself to be a talented, passionate, driven individual and everyone just smiles blankly and asks “Great! Can you work a cash register and are you available for overtime on weekends?” Yes, and no, and SCREW YOU. I’m completely at a loss.
WATCHING: I’ve been re-watching Doctor Who to try to build up my shattered self-esteem. Look, Donna Noble was unemployed, and she saved the universe!
LISTENING TO:
I want to listen to lots of dance music out here at Burning Man. I’m looking forward to multiple “proms” and a Madonna Dance Party!
READING: I haven’t been reading anything solid. That is to say, many interesting articles online, but nothing actually visceral.
WORKING ON:
Loads of costumes for Burning Man, jeez! Check out my Instagram for bejeweling, belighting, and be-dancing-in-a-tutu, if you don’t believe me! I’ve been repairing tears, sewing patches, and painstakingly glueing rhinestones. It’s a BIG JOB, okay! I can’t wait to share dusty pictures!
THINKING ABOUT: Burning Man preparedness and finding a job. That’s all. Constantly. I’m so stressed out and scared. And overwhelmed. And afraid of doing something wrong. I feel useless, like I can’t contribute. I feel like I’m not worthy. It sucks. I know this belongs up at the top of the page under “feeling” and I’m beating myself up for that, too. Seriously, can I not do anything right??
EATING:
Tacos, tater tots and eggs. Last night my boyfriend revealed to me that he “isn’t the biggest fan of tater tots” which, like, How Could This Be? He’s such a nice guy! (I just knew there was something wrong J/K!) So I now must introduce him to Smiley Fries. Blow. His. Mind.
LOOKING FORWARD TO: I just want to have fun at Burning Man. I hope it’s not as scary as I’m anticipating. I want to find a job. Hey, New York Comic Con is in less than 50 days! I want to do more tours. I want to feel like a successful human again. I want to find something that I can do for work that makes me feel better rather than worse, for a change. CHANGE. I’m looking forward to change. And autumn in Brooklyn – that too.
MAKING ME HAPPY: I adore Greenpoint. I love Williamsburg, too. I love living in Brooklyn more than I ever thought I would. I’m struggling to focus on the positive now, but little things about the everyday, people-watching on the L train, and all the DIY projects I’ve been working on. Learning how to make adult friends and survive at parties, that’s really good, too (I’ll sure need these extrovert skills at Burning Man!). And my ghost tours are my lifeblood. For 2 hours at a time, I not only feel like a vital, important human being, I feel like a star. That’s enough to make me believe there’s something out there for me to succeed at.