The way I understand it, babies are sacks of goo that can erupt at any moment. That’s why we swaddle them in diapers, plug them with pacifiers and suction their noses with tiny little turkey baster things. No offense intended, I’m sure your sack of goo is just delightful. He/she may very well have a sparkling personality and be absolutely darling in photographs, especially if he/ she is wearing a sun hat and borrowing your adult-sized sunglasses. But if I see you and your gooey offspring in the train car as its approaching the station, make no mistake, I will run down the platform to sit in a different car from you. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, goo on me.

And once they can walk and talk, it gets even WORSE. Suddenly, they’re these pint-sized emotional terrorists with a death wish. Running up to the edge of the platform and flinging themselves in front of the oncoming train screaming: “NOOOOOO I want a NEW iPad! My old iPad isn’t good anymore!”

Aww, it’s so cute, right??

Wrong!

And that’s why I don’t spend any time with children.  Sorry, Scintilla Project.  Just can’t.